Derek and Clive “Get out the cab!” transcript

January 1, 2009, admin

Here is the amazingly painstaking transcript to the classic “Back of the cab” sketch from Derek and Clive fan Phespirit. The audio can be heard here.

Needless to say, it’s full of swearing. All together, one more time, “Get out the cab!”

CLIVE:
How you doing 4105?
DEREK:
(belches) What? (belches again)
CLIVE:
I said, “How you doing 1045?”
DEREK:
Oh, not so bad 305-stroke-Z.
CLIVE:
No, ’cause I had, er ….. I’ve had a fucking terrible day.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
I had, er, you know that, er, that, er, what’s he called? - that philosopher?
DEREK:
Philosopher?
CLIVE:
Er, philosopher, yeah.
DEREK:
Errr …..
CLIVE:
The one who knows words and everything like that.
DEREK:
What, er, Des O’Connor?
CLIVE:
No, not Des. No, Des …..
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Des is clever but he’s, he’s not quite as reputed to be as clever as this, erm …..
DEREK:
Other bloke.
CLIVE:
RUSSELL! Russell!
DEREK:
Oh, Jane Russell!
CLIVE:
No, Bertrand - Bertrand Russell.
DEREK:
Bertrand Ru-, Oh, BERTRAND RUSSELL!!
CLIVE:
I had fucking Bertrand Russell in the back of my cab.
DEREK:
Yeah, mmm, yeah …..
CLIVE:
I looked round, you know, I recognised him and I said, “Hallo Bertie.”
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, you know, he, he was a bit surprised ’cause, you know, he’s not used to …..
DEREK:
Pissed out of his head, wasn’t he? Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
Yeah, pissed out of his fucking head.
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
Fucking dwarf …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Wide-headed cunt …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So I said, “‘ere, Bertie, you’ve written the history of the fucking Western World, …..
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
….. what’s the fucking answer?”
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He looked round, didn’t fucking know.
DEREK:
Probably farted, didn’t he?
CLIVE:
He farted …..
DEREK:
Knowing him, mate, you know.
CLIVE:
He farted twice, he clouded up the windscreen.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, er, I said, “Look, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right, right.
CLIVE:
….. get out-, GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
“GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I always use those words when I’ve got some cunt and …..
DEREK:
And you want to get him out the cab.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, “GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
“GET OUT THE CAB!”
CLIVE:
He said, he said, “What is the meaning of getting out the cab?” I said, “There’s no fucking meaning, it just means ‘get out the cab’.” And he went into some philosophical argument …..
DEREK:
Oh, fuck.
CLIVE:
….. about whether getting out the cab was getting the same as in the cab …..
DEREK:
In this …..
CLIVE:
All that crap, I thought, “fuck it.”
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking dualistic world crap.
CLIVE:
And, er, you know ….. know what I got for a tip?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
DEREK:
I suppose that was his philosophical joke.
CLIVE:
Yeah, heh-heh, you get a philosopher in the cab you get nothing, the same with, with Picasso.
DEREK:
Yeah? You had Picasso in your cab?
CLIVE:
Picasso. You know, I-, I knew him at once ’cause he was …..
DEREK:
(belches)
CLIVE:
….. enigmatic.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I said, yeah, you know, just as a friendly joke, I said, er, …..
DEREK:
What, did he have a paintbrush out of his arsehole?
CLIVE:
He had, er, he had a fucking oil painting coming out of his arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, neolithic style, erm, abstract on his, erm, …..
DEREK:
On his knob.
CLIVE:
….. on his knob.
DEREK:
Yeah, I know …..
CLIVE:
So I said …..
DEREK:
….. he paints his knob.
CLIVE:
He paints his knob different colours then photographs it and sells it to other people.
DEREK:
Yeah, dirty fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
The fucker. So I said, “You know what I call you, Mister Picasso?”
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, “I call you ‘Mister Pick-Arsehole’ …..
DEREK:
Right! Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
….. ’cause as far as I’m concerned you take shit out of other people’s arseholes, shove it on the canvass and sell it to other cunts.”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And, er, he was non-plussed.
DEREK:
Yeah, well I had the same experience. I, er, opened the cab door for somebody who hailed me on the corner …..
CLIVE:
Who was that? “Hailed” you?
DEREK:
Richard Wagner.
CLIVE:
Richard Wagner?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
But he’s been dead two hundred years.
DEREK:
That’s what I thought but, no, he was large as fucking life in the King’s Road. So I said …..
CLIVE:
You’re not confusing him with Richard Wagner? (pronouncing “W” sound)
DEREK:
Er ….. Robert Wagner?
CLIVE:
Robert Wagner.
DEREK:
Errr …..
CLIVE:
No, ’cause he’s been alive for …..
DEREK:
No, ’cause he was humming …..
CLIVE:
….. he’s, he’s been alive for years, hasn’t he?
DEREK:
No, h-, he’s been alive for years, you’d know the difference.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
No, Richie, Richie came into my cab humming, you know, snatches of, er, Tristan And Isolde. I thought, “fucking hell” …..
CLIVE:
Ye-, ah, fucking hell.
DEREK:
I thought he was dead, I thought, you know. Anyway, he sat in the cab, whistling away, all, you know …..
CLIVE:
(whistles tunelessly)
DEREK:
I said, “Hello! A-huh, I recognise that leitmotif!”
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah, and he recognised, er, you know, er, er, another soul on his, er, wavelength, and he said, er, “Fuck off, cunt!” I said, I said, “Hold up ….. ”
CLIVE:
What, w-, in German? Or English?
DEREK:
No, in English. I said, I said, “You speak very good English for a cunt.” Anyway, I pulled over, I said, “Wha-”, I looked round, I said, “What was that all about?” I said, “You can fucking get out the cab, as far as I’m concerned,” I said, “get out the fucking cab.” I said, “You may be Richard Wagner, but,” I s- ……
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
“You can’t come in my fucking cab …..
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
….. and tell me to fuck off!”
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
So I got, I said, “You just fuck off out the cab.” I never saw him again - he didn’t give me nothing.
CLIVE:
He gave you n-, no tip whatsoever?
DEREK:
Nothing! No tip, no fare.
CLIVE:
NO TIP, NO TIP WHATSOEVER? Like all celebrities I’ve had in my cab, Lord, er, Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Lord Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I didn’t know he was poofter.
DEREK:
No? Oh yeahhhh, oh …..
CLIVE:
I had no reason to suspect.
DEREK:
I could have told you that.
CLIVE:
Well I didn’t know that.
DEREK:
Oh yeah.
CLIVE:
He just came in his, his fine fishnet stockings with this, erm, young, erm, ‘chicken’ with him.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, what they call in the trade, a ‘chicken’ is …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. a young bloke with a huge knob …..
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah ….. (laughs)
CLIVE:
….. wearing nothing at all. And, er, he come in with this chicken, he said, er, he said, er …..
DEREK:
(as a chicken:) Fucky-fucky.
CLIVE:
….. he said, he said, “I’d like to go to my flat, please.” I said, “All right, O.K.”
DEREK:
“Where the fuck’s that,” I bet you said, did you?
CLIVE:
I said, “Where the fuck is that?”
DEREK:
Yeah, cunt.
CLIVE:
He said, “Kensington.”
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, “O.K., O.K., …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. Kensington, right, yeah, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. all right, nude boy, nude boy, …..
DEREK:
Kensington Frensington.
CLIVE:
….. Kensington Frensington, nude boy in there with you”
DEREK:
Nude chicken.
CLIVE:
This fucking Lord Driberg, or Lord Bradwell I think he’s called.
DEREK:
I don’t care what he’s called, mate, I don’t give a shit.
CLIVE:
No, I don’t, I didn’t care either.
DEREK:
No, frankly, I don’t give a shit.
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock …..
DEREK:
He could be called …..
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock and he pulled out this young, erm …..
DEREK:
And said, “What a good boy am I.”
CLIVE:
No, no, no, he didn’t.
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
I wish he had, I wish he had.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
He said, “What a bad boy am I.”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
‘Cause he still felt guilty.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And he pulled out the little bloke’s, er, cock, you know, …..
DEREK:
Knob.
CLIVE:
Knob, yeah.
DEREK:
His little knob, yeah.
CLIVE:
And all began wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking all over the fucking …..
DEREK:
Cab.
CLIVE:
….. Bac-k of the cab.
DEREK:
The “bac-K”?
CLIVE:
All over the fucking windows, everywhere was glazed up, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. I had no view from the rear mirror, I didn’t know where the fuck I was, …..
DEREK:
What, with s-
CLIVE:
I said, “Stop wanking otherwise - …..
DEREK:
What, with spunk-?
CLIVE:
….. I’M GONNA CRASH!!” And - voomp! - I did.
DEREK:
Yeah, what, with spunk all over the, all over the, er, over your glasses probably.
CLIVE:
I had spunk …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. everywhere in the cab.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, I thought, you know, if this is the peerage …..
DEREK:
Right, fuck ‘em.
CLIVE:
….. what’s the House of Commons like?
DEREK:
Yeah, fuck ‘em, eh? Humpf.

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