Marx Brothers - Duck Soup script, part two

January 27, 2009, admin

Part two of Duck Soup is posted here. Here’s the script for this section, full of great corny lines. Take the opening scene:

MRS. TEASDALE: This is a gala day for us.

GROUCHO: Well, a gal a day is enough for me.

In this section, the film deviates quite drastically, and interestingly, from the original script. Off we go:

MRS. TEASDALE
(To Groucho)
Your Excellency, the eyes of the
world are upon you. Notables from
every land are gathered here in your
honor –
(Indicating the guests
with a wave of her
hand)
This is a gala day for us.

GROUCHO
Well, a gal a day is enough for me.
I couldn’t handle any more.

MRS. TEASDALE
If it’s not asking too much –
(Recitative)
For our information just for
illustration
(Begins tune)
Tell us how you intend to run the
nation.

GROUCHO
(Singing)
These are the laws of my
administration: No one’s allowed to
smoke or tell a dirty joke — And
whistling is forbidden…

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
We’re not allowed to tell a dirty
joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer
is pursued And in the hoosegow
hidden…

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If we should choose to chew, we’ll
be pursued -

GROUCHO
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be
prohibited. I’ll put my foot down;
So shall it be - This is the land of
the free. The last man nearly ruined
this place He didn’t know what to do
with it. If you think this country’s
bad off now Just wait ’till I get
through with it.
(Does sailor’s hornpipe)
The treasury is low on dough; The
last man went and flew with it. If
you think we’re short of money now
Just wait ’till I get through with
it.
(Does Highland fling)
The country’s taxes must be fixed -
And I know what to do with it, If
you think you’re paying too much
now, Just wait ’till I get through
with it.
(Takes flute from
inside pocket and
plays strain of Dixie)

DIGNITARY
(Singing)
In our midst you stand The ruler of
this land A man who’ll govern with
an iron hand.

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If anyone gets fresh with me, I’ll
show him who’s the boss; I’ll stand
upon my dignity, And toss him for a
loss. And this will be the penalty
For those who doublecross - We’ll
stand ‘em up against the wall, and
Pop goes the Weasel

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If you should make him cross, He’ll
toss you for a loss. If anyone gets
fresh with him, He’ll show him who’s
the boss.

Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung

GROUCHO
(Singing)
I will not stand for anything that’s
crooked or unfair; I’m strictly on
the up and up, So everyone beware.
If anyone’s caught taking graft And
I don’t get my share, we’ll stand
‘em up against the wall - and pop
goes the weasel!

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
So everyone beware Who’s crooked or
unfair; No one must take a bit of
graft Unless he gets his share.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If any man should come between A
husband and his bride, We find out
which one she prefers By letting her
decide. If she prefers the other
man, The husband steps outside; We
stand him up against the wall And
Pop goes the Weasel!

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
The husband steps outside;
Relinquishes his bride; We stand him
up against the wall And take him for
a ride.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)

GROUCHO
The population must increase With
great rapidity. We give a couple
seven years To raise a family. If,
by that time, there is no branch
Upon the family tree, we stand ‘em
up against the wall - and Pop goes
the Weasel.

Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him
reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues.
He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her
as she beams down at him.

MRS. TEASDALE
(As she beams on him)
You’ve made a wonderful impression.
Your views are liberal… It is easy
to see you have an open mind.

GROUCHO
That’s what I get for dressing in a
hurry.

MRS. TEASDALE
Your Excellency, you mustn’t forget
your appointment at the House of
Representatives… Have you got your
speech ready?

GROUCHO
I wrote a speech last night that’ll
knock them off their seats…
(He takes a paper
from inside pocket
as he says above…
then reads from paper)
Four score and seven years ago, our
fathers brought forth on this
continent a new nation –

MRS. TEASDALE
Why, that’s the speech that Lincoln
made at Gettysburg…

GROUCHO
(With a look of great
surprise)
He did?… I told my son not to leave
it laying around… Where is son?

Bob enters

BOB
Here I am, Father…

GROUCHO
Send for my car…

BOB
(Calling to servant
off scene)
His Excellency’s car!

This is repeated by a servant’s voice off scene…

A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.

He bows low as he hands it to Groucho… Groucho takes hat,
removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his
hat and with a swanky gesture exits… again we hear a
servant’s voice calling: “His Excellency’s car”…

We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion,
outside, standing at attention… their trumpets at their
sides…

From inside comes the voice of a servant calling “His
Excellency’s car”…

The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put
the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon
the car…

We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator’s garage. This is a
pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the
center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On
each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also
two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter
on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and
suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in
background identify the garage.

At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter’s
call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the
gates and call through the bars -

GUARDS
(In unison)
His Excellency’s car!

Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the
other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in
military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo
appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.

The motorcycle is decorated… perhaps a crest in relief on
the side of the car… a thin staff, about four or five
feet high is fastened to the handle bars… As Harpo rides
along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further
along the road he hits a man… he looks behind to see what
damage he’s done, but continues riding… A CUT BACK to the
man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.

We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle…
he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to
half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows
a few bars of taps… he mounts motorcycle again and starts
off…

CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion…
the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing
hands… Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts
his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down
stairs… as fast as they can.

CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho,
carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into
the side-car… and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo:

GROUCHO
To the House of Representatives…
ride like fury… Don’t stop for any
signals and don’t wait for a corner
to make a turn… see if you can
break a record…

Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the
ground… there is a roar of the motor — the motorcycle
starts off but leaves the side-car.

Groucho gets out of side-car… starts back to steps, stops
and says:

GROUCHO
A fine thing — leaving the head of
the nation at the foot of the
stairs…
[Here the script and the final film diverge completely, with the whole of Chico and Harpo's scene not appearing, nor Groucho's scene in the House of Deputies.]

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