Script to Derek and Clive’s Guinness Book of Records

January 1, 2009, admin

Here’s the transcript from the CD version of this sketch in all its filthy glory. http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_05.htm has pretty much all of these - a marvellous resource for the Derek and Clive devotee. View the video here.

I’m afraid that if you are offended by bad language, this warning has been too late, as you can see it just by glancing down a bit. There, see it? Sorry.

CLIVE:
You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
I’ve always wanted to be in there becau- …..
DEREK:
Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE:
….. ’cause they’ve got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and …..
DEREK:
Shortest.
CLIVE:
….. highest and everything ‘n’ that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And I suddenly thought: ‘Well, no, fuck it, I won’t sneeze, I’ll reserve it’. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an’ that. And when I’d got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually ’cause I had so much of it, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
….. gradually building up.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I thought: ‘I’ll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records’ record for the longest trail of snot in the world’.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I …..
DEREK:
Is that all?
CLIVE:
….. I was watching, erm, ‘3-2-1′ with Ted Rogers.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it …..
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
….. and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: ‘What am I doing?’ And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so …..
DEREK:
You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that’s what you were doing.
CLIVE:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb …..
DEREK:
Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE:
….. to my nose. And I thought: ‘Oh fuck, I’ve gone and fucked it’, ’cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: ‘It’s all gone hard and I won’t be able string it out at all’. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. which had got clotted and hard. And …..
DEREK:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit …..
CLIVE:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK:
….. bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.
CLIVE:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE:
….. I was getting a good length going …..
DEREK:
Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I …..
CLIVE:
….. and I thought I’d, erm, …..
DEREK:
Tch, phhwww …..
CLIVE:
….. I’d try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, …..
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
….. we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK:
That’s about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE:
Ten yards away.
DEREK:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, …..
DEREK:
Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
….. like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.
DEREK:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE:
Y-, they looped.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And my fear was they’d touch the floor …..
DEREK:
S-
CLIVE:
….. pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, …..
CLIVE:
Yeah, you can’t afford …..
DEREK:
….. inexoribly.
CLIVE:
….. to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK:
Well, no, fucking right, yeah.
CLIVE:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ……
DEREK:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, …..
CLIVE:
….. on the light socket.
DEREK:
….. t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, ‘ll …..
CLIVE:
….. is very much like a bogey.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. hanging it out, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK:
Yeah, so of just very easily …..
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Well, you …..
CLIVE:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked ’cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly …..
DEREK:
Oh-h, blimey, you were …..
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, get in here …..
DEREK:
….. crafty!
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot”, and, er, she said, “Oh, no, I can’t, I’m busy, you know, I’m …..
DEREK:
Fucking stupid cow.
CLIVE:
….. busy.
DEREK:
’cause she didn’t realise …..
CLIVE:
An’ I said-, I said-, I said, “LOOK, I’M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I’VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!” And because I got over-heated …..
DEREK:
Yeah, …..
CLIVE:
….. the chain bro- …..
DEREK:
….. she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE:
No, no, no, …..
DEREK:
No?
CLIVE:
….. the chain broke.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK!!
CLIVE:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid …..
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
….. all I had was a long line of …..
DEREK:
Oh, don’t tell me, re-
CLIVE:
….. snot on the floor.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK:
OH, FUCKING SLAG!
CLIVE:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK:
Ohh ….. go on.
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
….. you’ve tested me in the past,” …..
DEREK:
Oh, fuck her.
CLIVE:
….. I said, “we’ve been married fourteen years …..
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
….. and you’ve tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ……
DEREK:
Phhwww!
CLIVE:
….. between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I’m going to do NOW? I’M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME …..
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
….. AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!” AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR ‘TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, “DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!” And the cunt wouldn’t even get up!
DEREK:
What a CUNT!

Filed under: Articles |  Email This Post