Marx Brothers - Duck Soup script, part three

February 3, 2009, admin

Right, I’ve given up trying to match this up to the video clips. It’s really interesting to see how the film deviates so markedly from the original script. Parts of the script do appear, but many - such as lengthy scenes in which Harpo is chasing girls - seem to have been axed.

Overall, my impression is that the final cut is miles better than the original script, which is pretty dull in places.

Note that Groucho’s character, Rufus T. Firefly, was originally called Bob.

As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo… riding along…

A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite
direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to
attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and
continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle
around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo

pursuing and breaks into a run… CUT BACK to Harpo following
her, putting on speed… he lowers the Freedonian flag and
simultaneously raises a pirate flag — with skull and cross-
bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is
parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators…
he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor
and follows in pursuit…

The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up
the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the
scene and rides up the stairs after her… As Harpo gets
about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen
approaching the mansion.

CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly
through the room… a moment later we see Harpo on his bike
following… there is panic among the guests. Then we see
the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular
balcony…

CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees
the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony
above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over
her shoulder as she runs out of scene… Harpo rides into
scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the
manner of a six day bicycle rider… following closely behind
him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine…
Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder
at his pursuer… this is done in imitation of a six day
bicycle race… The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo…
the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the
opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony… as
he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes
another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is
now in pursuit of the cop…

CUT down stairs to Groucho… One hand is upraised holding a
gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then
addresses guests looking into CAMERA.

GROUCHO
That concludes the nine o’clock
sprints… Next Saturday night the
winner of the six day bicycle race
will receive ten thousand dollars in
gold… the following morning we go
off the gold standard…

CUT BACK to balcony… Harpo is passing the cop… He holds
up his hand for the cop to stop… they both come to a halt…
Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop,
takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the
cop as we FADE OUT…

END OF SEQUENCE “A”

SEQUENCE “B”

FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives.
This interior although not a replica of our own House of
Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell
the idea… Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking
dignitary. On the platform are a few desks… perhaps a
pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives… The one to the
right is the court stenographer’s desk, occupied by Bob
Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses.

Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is
stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the
House.

SPEAKER
Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for
forty-six years we have enjoyed the
friendship of Amnesia, so ably
represented by Ambassador Trentino.
(Indicating the
Ambassador who is
present)
We owe it to ourselves to listen to
what he has to say…

Trentino takes the floor

TRENTINO
Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual
for a representative of one country
to advise the legislative body of
another, I assure you that I have
the interest of Freedonia at heart
…
(Deferential applause)
We have lent you money in the past —
we are willing to lend you money
again — but, we cannot do it if
your leader is allowed by you, to
carry out his ridiculous proposals…
In self-protection it is my –

Bob rises to interrupt

BOB
I object!… we have no right to
discuss this matter in the absence
of my father.

SPEAKER
(To House)
We have been meeting every morning
for eight days and not once has His
Excellency been on time…

TRENTINO
(Looking at his watch)
Gentlemen, I cannot wait much
longer…

SPEAKER
(To Bob)
Would you mind calling your father
again?

Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall…

CUT TO - the corner of Groucho’s bedroom, showing fireman’s
pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.

Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which
he has on his arm… without waiting to don his coat he slides
down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the
pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the
members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the
national anthem.

MEMBERS
(Singing)
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the
brave and free…

Groucho hurries toward Speaker’s desk, putting on his coat
as he goes… Just as he reaches the desk the singing
subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in
the direction of one of the representatives.

GROUCHO
(Pointing toward the
individual off scene)
The Secretary of Agriculture was a
little flat…
(He takes a match and
scratches it across
the top of the desk
to light his cigar…
takes a few puffs,
then raps the gavel.)
I move we open the morning session…
Has anybody got a cork screw?
(Looking out and around
at members)

[page missing]

GROUCHO
What’s to stop you from digging one…
And after you dig a river, how’re ya
gonna cross it without a bridge…?
We’ve got to have a bridge to stop
people from going places — then
we’ve gotta stop them from coming
back. If you’re worried about the
expense we can have a bridge with
only one end — and if that’s a
success we can do away with it
altogether. I’m telling you that
what this country needs is –

Off scene we hear Chico’s voice singing “P-E-A-N-U-T-S”…
this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first
strain of the PEANUT VENDOR…

Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues

GROUCHO
If there’s one thing we don’t need
right now — it’s peanuts —
gentlemen, what good is a bridge if
you haven’t got ammunition to blow
it up… ammunition was never
cheaper… Right now, you can get
two cannons for the price of one and
shoot twice as far for half the
money… With every five thousand
dollar purchase we throw in a Big
Bertha… If you don’t like her, you
can throw her right out again. I
tell you no country can protect itself
without –

Again Chico’s voice comes over scene singing “P-E-A-N-U-T-
S”… The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT
VENDOR is heard again

SPEAKER
I’m sorry your Excellency, it is
that infernal peanut vendor
Chicolini… How can we accomplish
anything with that constant annoyance?

TRENTINO
Your Excellency - are we or are we
not going to discuss this problem -
my time is valuable - I’m a man of
few words -

GROUCHO
I’m a man of one word… SCRAM!!!

Trentino exits resentfully

GROUCHO
(To Bob - aroused)
Go out and chase that peanut vendor
away from the building — Get rid of
him if you have to use violence - if
necessary call out the militia and
if he isn’t looking get me a bag of
peanuts.

BOB
I’ve tried to chase him but it’s no
use - he won’t go -

GROUCHO
He won’t eh? - We’ll see about that -
send for your father immediately.

BOB
But you’re my father -

GROUCHO
Never mind then, I’ll get in touch
with him myself -

CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has
a whistle on it conspicuously displayed -

CHICO
(Singing loudly)
“P-E-A-N-U-T-S”

CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of “PEANUT VENDOR” - Trentino
enters to Chico -

CHICO
(To Trentino)
How’m I doing, boss?

TRENTINO
Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything
you can to disturb Firefly - Now
what about your cousin?

CHICO
He’s working very hard - I got him a
job driving Firefly’s car - He’s-a
driving him crazy and I’m driving
him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S

Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly
and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT
inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the “Peanut
Vendor” is heard coming over scene with orchestra
accompaniment…

GROUCHO
(Glaring angrily at
window)
I’ll get rid of that pest - watch me –

He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into
a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish
dancer… as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is
seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is
by his peanut stand.

GROUCHO
(To Chico - angrily)
Hey you!!

CHICO
All right -

Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho -
The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts
to eat the peanuts.

GROUCHO
Have you got a license?

CHICO
No, but my dog he’s a got millions
of them –

GROUCHO
(Munching peanuts as
Chico walks over and
stands under window)
What kind of a dog is he?

CHICO
He used to be a bloodhound but he’s
anemic –

GROUCHO
Well - what is he now?

CHICO
He’s half poodle and half watch dog -

GROUCHO
Half watch dog?

CHICO
Yeh, he’s only got one eye.

GROUCHO
I don’t know much about dogs but you
ought to be on the end of a leash -
a ninety-nine year leash -
(Gives him a look of
disgust)
Look - what do you call your dog?

CHICO
I don’t call him, I whistle.

GROUCHO
What do you whistle?

CHICO
Yankee Poodle.

GROUCHO
I’ve got just the place for a man
like you but I’m too busy right now
to do any digging. What do you call
your dog when you want him?

CHICO
I don’t want him.

GROUCHO
Well, if you don’t want your dog why
don’t you put him in a pound?

CHICO
He only weighs ten ounces –

GROUCHO
I can use you in the House of
Representatives. We need a man who
understands dogs — and that’s where
this country is going to. Step
inside.

Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of
House of Representatives

GROUCHO
(To Bob)
In case of fire, how long will it
take to empty this place?

BOB
(After a moment’s
thought)
About - thirty-four seconds.

GROUCHO
We’ll start a fire –
(Indicating
representatives)
— and get rid of these microbes.

Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office.
CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading
to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there
is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just
as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico
enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets,
reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each
other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash
for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the
phone, picks up the receiver.

CHICO
(At telephone)
Hello!… Yes… Yes… He’s not
in…

Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting
impatiently

CHICO
That was for you.

GROUCHO
I’m sorry I’m not in. I wanted to
have a long talk with you… Now
look here, my good man, you’ve got
to stop yelling “peanuts” in front
of the House of Representatives.

CHICO
Oh no, I can’t do it.

GROUCHO
You don’t want to be a public
nuisance, do you?

CHICO
Sure. How much does the job pay?
(or)
Sure, if there’s a chance for
advancement.

GROUCHO
You wouldn’t consider going over
Niagara Falls without a barrel?

CHICO
‘At’s-a no good. I went to Niagara
Falls once.

GROUCHO
Did you shoot the rapids?

CHICO
No, but I shot some ducks.

GROUCHO
If there was an open season for
fellows like you, I’d get myself a
hunting license. Anyway, I’m going
to make you a sporting proposition.
You give up the peanut stand and
I’ll make you vice-president of the
country.

CHICO
Oh, no — nothing doing. I had a
brother who was a vice-president
once and that’s the last we ever
heard of him.

GROUCHO
Well, maybe he’s still the vice-
president. Now if I were to offer
you –

Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the
telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by
exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end
of the line

CHICO
(To telephone)
Hello… Yes… No, not yet… All
right… Goodbye.
(Hangs up receiver -
then says to Groucho)
That was for you again. He wants
you to call him up as soon as you
get back.

GROUCHO
I don’t know what’s keeping me. I
should’ve been here a long time ago.
Now how about my proposition?

CHICO
What other job you got?

GROUCHO
Let’s see — What’ve I got in my
cabinet besides mice –
(Stops to think -
then very
enthusiastically)
I’ve got it — how would you like to
be Secretary of the Interior?

CHICO
That’s no good. I like to work on
the outside. I must have something
easy.

GROUCHO
Then you don’t wanna work hard?

CHICO
I don’t wanna work at all.

GROUCHO
In that case you’ll have to take a
civil service examination — if you
pass I’ll put you in the post-office —
stick out your tongue.

CHICO
I don’t wanna stick out my tongue.

GROUCHO
Well, if you wanna work in the post-
office you’ll have to stick out your
tongue.

CHICO
Look, I’m a very nervous man. I
gotta have a job where I come to
work at eleven — go to lunch at
twelve — and quit at one. And twice
a year I gotta have a six month
vacation.

GROUCHO
I’ve got just the job for you —
Secretary of War.

CHICO
‘At’s-a fine.

Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the
telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and
reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone
receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an
occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he
scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written
message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes
a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho
stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the
receiver and exits, tearing up the paper

GROUCHO
(After a moment’s
glance at Harpo)
You know, I’d be lost without a
telephone. Now - where were we?
Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary
of War. The first thing you do is
buy ammunition — you buy it from me
and I get 10% commission.

CHICO
What do I get?

GROUCHO
You get half mine and I get half
yours.

CHICO
I don’t want to buy ammunition — we
no gotta war.

GROUCHO
Then we’ve gotta start one. Do you
know how to start a war?

CHICO
Sure, that’s easy. You gotta insult
somebody.

Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves,
then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to
Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist

GROUCHO
My card.

CHICO
(Laughing)
That’s a-no good. You gotta insult
somebody from another country. Look –
(Puts his large gloves
on the desk)
I come from one country. You come
from another country. I say something
you don’t like. You say something I
don’t like - and I’m insulted.

GROUCHO
Why wasn’t I insulted?

CHICO
You was insulted, but you don’t know
it.

GROUCHO
(Indignantly)
Then I demand an apology!

CHICO
That’s a-no good. If I apologize we
no got a war. Look — I send you a
scrap of paper. You send me a scrap
of paper — and we have a scrap.

GROUCHO
You’ve got a brain after all - and
how you get along without it is
amazing to me — Now, who can I
insult?… Who do we owe money to?…
(Enthusiastically)
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?

CHICO
He’s-a very easy to insult — I say
something to his niece once, and he
slapped my face.

GROUCHO
Why didn’t his niece slap your face?

CHICO
She did.

GROUCHO
What did you say to her?

Chico whispers in Groucho’s ear — Groucho gives him an
indignant look

GROUCHO
You’re lucky I don’t slap your face —
you oughtta be ashamed of yourself.
Where did you hear that story?

CHICO
You told it to me.

GROUCHO
(Puzzled for a moment)
Oh, yes, I remember — and I should
have slapped Mrs. Teasdale’s face
when she told it to me… I’m going
right out and find Trentino. You go
right out and get yourself an army.

Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him

GROUCHO
Wait a minute. What kind of an army
do you think we oughtta have?

CHICO
I think we oughtta have a standing
army, so we can save money on chairs.

At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams
the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk
and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his
own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He
leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets
in is hand.

CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front
of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side
car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets,
gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand,
says:

GROUCHO
To Mrs. Teasdale’s residence!

The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car
behind.

GROUCHO
This is the fifth trip I’ve made
today and I haven’t been anywhere
yet.

And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back
into the building, the scene

FADES OUT

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