Marx Brothers - Duck Soup script, part three

February 3, 2009, admin

Right, I’ve given up trying to match this up to the video clips. It’s really interesting to see how the film deviates so markedly from the original script. Parts of the script do appear, but many - such as lengthy scenes in which Harpo is chasing girls - seem to have been axed.

Overall, my impression is that the final cut is miles better than the original script, which is pretty dull in places.

Note that Groucho’s character, Rufus T. Firefly, was originally called Bob.

As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo… riding along…

A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite
direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to
attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and
continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle
around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo

pursuing and breaks into a run… CUT BACK to Harpo following
her, putting on speed… he lowers the Freedonian flag and
simultaneously raises a pirate flag — with skull and cross-
bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop is
parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators…
he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor
and follows in pursuit…

The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up
the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the
scene and rides up the stairs after her… As Harpo gets
about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen
approaching the mansion.

CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly
through the room… a moment later we see Harpo on his bike
following… there is panic among the guests. Then we see
the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular
balcony…

CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he rides and sees
the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On the balcony
above, the girl is running, with an occasional glance over
her shoulder as she runs out of scene… Harpo rides into
scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the
manner of a six day bicycle rider… following closely behind
him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle the mezzanine…
Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder
at his pursuer… this is done in imitation of a six day
bicycle race… The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo…
the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the
opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony… as
he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes
another open doorway. Harpo comes riding out of it and is
now in pursuit of the cop…

CUT down stairs to Groucho… One hand is upraised holding a
gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then
addresses guests looking into CAMERA.

GROUCHO
That concludes the nine o’clock
sprints… Next Saturday night the
winner of the six day bicycle race
will receive ten thousand dollars in
gold… the following morning we go
off the gold standard…

CUT BACK to balcony… Harpo is passing the cop… He holds
up his hand for the cop to stop… they both come to a halt…
Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop,
takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the
cop as we FADE OUT…

END OF SEQUENCE “A”

SEQUENCE “B”

FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives.
This interior although not a replica of our own House of
Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell
the idea… Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking
dignitary. On the platform are a few desks… perhaps a
pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives… The one to the
right is the court stenographer’s desk, occupied by Bob
Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses.

Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is
stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the
House.

SPEAKER
Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for
forty-six years we have enjoyed the
friendship of Amnesia, so ably
represented by Ambassador Trentino.
(Indicating the
Ambassador who is
present)
We owe it to ourselves to listen to
what he has to say…

Trentino takes the floor

TRENTINO
Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual
for a representative of one country
to advise the legislative body of
another, I assure you that I have
the interest of Freedonia at heart
…
(Deferential applause)
We have lent you money in the past —
we are willing to lend you money
again — but, we cannot do it if
your leader is allowed by you, to
carry out his ridiculous proposals…
In self-protection it is my –

Bob rises to interrupt

BOB
I object!… we have no right to
discuss this matter in the absence
of my father.

SPEAKER
(To House)
We have been meeting every morning
for eight days and not once has His
Excellency been on time…

TRENTINO
(Looking at his watch)
Gentlemen, I cannot wait much
longer…

SPEAKER
(To Bob)
Would you mind calling your father
again?

Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall…

CUT TO - the corner of Groucho’s bedroom, showing fireman’s
pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.

Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which
he has on his arm… without waiting to don his coat he slides
down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide down the
pole into the House of Representatives. As he arrives the
members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the
national anthem.

MEMBERS
(Singing)
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the
brave and free…

Groucho hurries toward Speaker’s desk, putting on his coat
as he goes… Just as he reaches the desk the singing
subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in
the direction of one of the representatives.

GROUCHO
(Pointing toward the
individual off scene)
The Secretary of Agriculture was a
little flat…
(He takes a match and
scratches it across
the top of the desk
to light his cigar…
takes a few puffs,
then raps the gavel.)
I move we open the morning session…
Has anybody got a cork screw?
(Looking out and around
at members)

[page missing]

GROUCHO
What’s to stop you from digging one…
And after you dig a river, how’re ya
gonna cross it without a bridge…?
We’ve got to have a bridge to stop
people from going places — then
we’ve gotta stop them from coming
back. If you’re worried about the
expense we can have a bridge with
only one end — and if that’s a
success we can do away with it
altogether. I’m telling you that
what this country needs is –

Off scene we hear Chico’s voice singing “P-E-A-N-U-T-S”…
this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first
strain of the PEANUT VENDOR…

Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues

GROUCHO
If there’s one thing we don’t need
right now — it’s peanuts —
gentlemen, what good is a bridge if
you haven’t got ammunition to blow
it up… ammunition was never
cheaper… Right now, you can get
two cannons for the price of one and
shoot twice as far for half the
money… With every five thousand
dollar purchase we throw in a Big
Bertha… If you don’t like her, you
can throw her right out again. I
tell you no country can protect itself
without –

Again Chico’s voice comes over scene singing “P-E-A-N-U-T-
S”… The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT
VENDOR is heard again

SPEAKER
I’m sorry your Excellency, it is
that infernal peanut vendor
Chicolini… How can we accomplish
anything with that constant annoyance?

TRENTINO
Your Excellency - are we or are we
not going to discuss this problem -
my time is valuable - I’m a man of
few words -

GROUCHO
I’m a man of one word… SCRAM!!!

Trentino exits resentfully

GROUCHO
(To Bob - aroused)
Go out and chase that peanut vendor
away from the building — Get rid of
him if you have to use violence - if
necessary call out the militia and
if he isn’t looking get me a bag of
peanuts.

BOB
I’ve tried to chase him but it’s no
use - he won’t go -

GROUCHO
He won’t eh? - We’ll see about that -
send for your father immediately.

BOB
But you’re my father -

GROUCHO
Never mind then, I’ll get in touch
with him myself -

CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has
a whistle on it conspicuously displayed -

CHICO
(Singing loudly)
“P-E-A-N-U-T-S”

CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of “PEANUT VENDOR” - Trentino
enters to Chico -

CHICO
(To Trentino)
How’m I doing, boss?

TRENTINO
Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything
you can to disturb Firefly - Now
what about your cousin?

CHICO
He’s working very hard - I got him a
job driving Firefly’s car - He’s-a
driving him crazy and I’m driving
him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S

Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly
and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT
inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the “Peanut
Vendor” is heard coming over scene with orchestra
accompaniment…

GROUCHO
(Glaring angrily at
window)
I’ll get rid of that pest - watch me –

He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into
a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish
dancer… as he reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is
seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is
by his peanut stand.

GROUCHO
(To Chico - angrily)
Hey you!!

CHICO
All right -

Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho -
The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts
to eat the peanuts.

GROUCHO
Have you got a license?

CHICO
No, but my dog he’s a got millions
of them –

GROUCHO
(Munching peanuts as
Chico walks over and
stands under window)
What kind of a dog is he?

CHICO
He used to be a bloodhound but he’s
anemic –

GROUCHO
Well - what is he now?

CHICO
He’s half poodle and half watch dog -

GROUCHO
Half watch dog?

CHICO
Yeh, he’s only got one eye.

GROUCHO
I don’t know much about dogs but you
ought to be on the end of a leash -
a ninety-nine year leash -
(Gives him a look of
disgust)
Look - what do you call your dog?

CHICO
I don’t call him, I whistle.

GROUCHO
What do you whistle?

CHICO
Yankee Poodle.

GROUCHO
I’ve got just the place for a man
like you but I’m too busy right now
to do any digging. What do you call
your dog when you want him?

CHICO
I don’t want him.

GROUCHO
Well, if you don’t want your dog why
don’t you put him in a pound?

CHICO
He only weighs ten ounces –

GROUCHO
I can use you in the House of
Representatives. We need a man who
understands dogs — and that’s where
this country is going to. Step
inside.

Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of
House of Representatives

GROUCHO
(To Bob)
In case of fire, how long will it
take to empty this place?

BOB
(After a moment’s
thought)
About - thirty-four seconds.

GROUCHO
We’ll start a fire –
(Indicating
representatives)
— and get rid of these microbes.

Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office.
CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading
to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there
is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone. Just
as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico
enters through the other door. He is wearing gauntlets,
reaching half way up his arms. As they walk toward each
other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad dash
for the telephone on the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the
phone, picks up the receiver.

CHICO
(At telephone)
Hello!… Yes… Yes… He’s not
in…

Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting
impatiently

CHICO
That was for you.

GROUCHO
I’m sorry I’m not in. I wanted to
have a long talk with you… Now
look here, my good man, you’ve got
to stop yelling “peanuts” in front
of the House of Representatives.

CHICO
Oh no, I can’t do it.

GROUCHO
You don’t want to be a public
nuisance, do you?

CHICO
Sure. How much does the job pay?
(or)
Sure, if there’s a chance for
advancement.

GROUCHO
You wouldn’t consider going over
Niagara Falls without a barrel?

CHICO
‘At’s-a no good. I went to Niagara
Falls once.

GROUCHO
Did you shoot the rapids?

CHICO
No, but I shot some ducks.

GROUCHO
If there was an open season for
fellows like you, I’d get myself a
hunting license. Anyway, I’m going
to make you a sporting proposition.
You give up the peanut stand and
I’ll make you vice-president of the
country.

CHICO
Oh, no — nothing doing. I had a
brother who was a vice-president
once and that’s the last we ever
heard of him.

GROUCHO
Well, maybe he’s still the vice-
president. Now if I were to offer
you –

Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and run for the
telephone. Again Chico gets there first. Groucho stands by
exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end
of the line

CHICO
(To telephone)
Hello… Yes… No, not yet… All
right… Goodbye.
(Hangs up receiver -
then says to Groucho)
That was for you again. He wants
you to call him up as soon as you
get back.

GROUCHO
I don’t know what’s keeping me. I
should’ve been here a long time ago.
Now how about my proposition?

CHICO
What other job you got?

GROUCHO
Let’s see — What’ve I got in my
cabinet besides mice –
(Stops to think -
then very
enthusiastically)
I’ve got it — how would you like to
be Secretary of the Interior?

CHICO
That’s no good. I like to work on
the outside. I must have something
easy.

GROUCHO
Then you don’t wanna work hard?

CHICO
I don’t wanna work at all.

GROUCHO
In that case you’ll have to take a
civil service examination — if you
pass I’ll put you in the post-office —
stick out your tongue.

CHICO
I don’t wanna stick out my tongue.

GROUCHO
Well, if you wanna work in the post-
office you’ll have to stick out your
tongue.

CHICO
Look, I’m a very nervous man. I
gotta have a job where I come to
work at eleven — go to lunch at
twelve — and quit at one. And twice
a year I gotta have a six month
vacation.

GROUCHO
I’ve got just the job for you —
Secretary of War.

CHICO
‘At’s-a fine.

Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash for the
telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and
reaches the phone first. Harpo picks up through telephone
receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an
occasional nod and shake of the head. As he listens, he
scribbles message on a piece of paper. He holds the written
message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes
a few more words on the paper. During this, Chico and Groucho
stand by, terribly worried. Finally Harpo hangs up the
receiver and exits, tearing up the paper

GROUCHO
(After a moment’s
glance at Harpo)
You know, I’d be lost without a
telephone. Now - where were we?
Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary
of War. The first thing you do is
buy ammunition — you buy it from me
and I get 10% commission.

CHICO
What do I get?

GROUCHO
You get half mine and I get half
yours.

CHICO
I don’t want to buy ammunition — we
no gotta war.

GROUCHO
Then we’ve gotta start one. Do you
know how to start a war?

CHICO
Sure, that’s easy. You gotta insult
somebody.

Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves,
then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to
Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist

GROUCHO
My card.

CHICO
(Laughing)
That’s a-no good. You gotta insult
somebody from another country. Look –
(Puts his large gloves
on the desk)
I come from one country. You come
from another country. I say something
you don’t like. You say something I
don’t like - and I’m insulted.

GROUCHO
Why wasn’t I insulted?

CHICO
You was insulted, but you don’t know
it.

GROUCHO
(Indignantly)
Then I demand an apology!

CHICO
That’s a-no good. If I apologize we
no got a war. Look — I send you a
scrap of paper. You send me a scrap
of paper — and we have a scrap.

GROUCHO
You’ve got a brain after all - and
how you get along without it is
amazing to me — Now, who can I
insult?… Who do we owe money to?…
(Enthusiastically)
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?

CHICO
He’s-a very easy to insult — I say
something to his niece once, and he
slapped my face.

GROUCHO
Why didn’t his niece slap your face?

CHICO
She did.

GROUCHO
What did you say to her?

Chico whispers in Groucho’s ear — Groucho gives him an
indignant look

GROUCHO
You’re lucky I don’t slap your face —
you oughtta be ashamed of yourself.
Where did you hear that story?

CHICO
You told it to me.

GROUCHO
(Puzzled for a moment)
Oh, yes, I remember — and I should
have slapped Mrs. Teasdale’s face
when she told it to me… I’m going
right out and find Trentino. You go
right out and get yourself an army.

Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him

GROUCHO
Wait a minute. What kind of an army
do you think we oughtta have?

CHICO
I think we oughtta have a standing
army, so we can save money on chairs.

At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams
the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk
and sees the larger gauntlets. He takes a swing with his
own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He
leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets
in is hand.

CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front
of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side
car. Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets,
gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand,
says:

GROUCHO
To Mrs. Teasdale’s residence!

The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car
behind.

GROUCHO
This is the fifth trip I’ve made
today and I haven’t been anywhere
yet.

And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back
into the building, the scene

FADES OUT

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Marx Brothers - Duck Soup script, part two

January 27, 2009, admin

Part two of Duck Soup is posted here. Here’s the script for this section, full of great corny lines. Take the opening scene:

MRS. TEASDALE: This is a gala day for us.

GROUCHO: Well, a gal a day is enough for me.

In this section, the film deviates quite drastically, and interestingly, from the original script. Off we go:

MRS. TEASDALE
(To Groucho)
Your Excellency, the eyes of the
world are upon you. Notables from
every land are gathered here in your
honor –
(Indicating the guests
with a wave of her
hand)
This is a gala day for us.

GROUCHO
Well, a gal a day is enough for me.
I couldn’t handle any more.

MRS. TEASDALE
If it’s not asking too much –
(Recitative)
For our information just for
illustration
(Begins tune)
Tell us how you intend to run the
nation.

GROUCHO
(Singing)
These are the laws of my
administration: No one’s allowed to
smoke or tell a dirty joke — And
whistling is forbidden…

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
We’re not allowed to tell a dirty
joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer
is pursued And in the hoosegow
hidden…

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If we should choose to chew, we’ll
be pursued -

GROUCHO
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be
prohibited. I’ll put my foot down;
So shall it be - This is the land of
the free. The last man nearly ruined
this place He didn’t know what to do
with it. If you think this country’s
bad off now Just wait ’till I get
through with it.
(Does sailor’s hornpipe)
The treasury is low on dough; The
last man went and flew with it. If
you think we’re short of money now
Just wait ’till I get through with
it.
(Does Highland fling)
The country’s taxes must be fixed -
And I know what to do with it, If
you think you’re paying too much
now, Just wait ’till I get through
with it.
(Takes flute from
inside pocket and
plays strain of Dixie)

DIGNITARY
(Singing)
In our midst you stand The ruler of
this land A man who’ll govern with
an iron hand.

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If anyone gets fresh with me, I’ll
show him who’s the boss; I’ll stand
upon my dignity, And toss him for a
loss. And this will be the penalty
For those who doublecross - We’ll
stand ‘em up against the wall, and
Pop goes the Weasel

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
If you should make him cross, He’ll
toss you for a loss. If anyone gets
fresh with him, He’ll show him who’s
the boss.

Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung

GROUCHO
(Singing)
I will not stand for anything that’s
crooked or unfair; I’m strictly on
the up and up, So everyone beware.
If anyone’s caught taking graft And
I don’t get my share, we’ll stand
‘em up against the wall - and pop
goes the weasel!

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
So everyone beware Who’s crooked or
unfair; No one must take a bit of
graft Unless he gets his share.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)

GROUCHO
(Singing)
If any man should come between A
husband and his bride, We find out
which one she prefers By letting her
decide. If she prefers the other
man, The husband steps outside; We
stand him up against the wall And
Pop goes the Weasel!

ENSEMBLE
(Singing)
The husband steps outside;
Relinquishes his bride; We stand him
up against the wall And take him for
a ride.
(Groucho dances as
above is sung)

GROUCHO
The population must increase With
great rapidity. We give a couple
seven years To raise a family. If,
by that time, there is no branch
Upon the family tree, we stand ‘em
up against the wall - and Pop goes
the Weasel.

Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him
reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues.
He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her
as she beams down at him.

MRS. TEASDALE
(As she beams on him)
You’ve made a wonderful impression.
Your views are liberal… It is easy
to see you have an open mind.

GROUCHO
That’s what I get for dressing in a
hurry.

MRS. TEASDALE
Your Excellency, you mustn’t forget
your appointment at the House of
Representatives… Have you got your
speech ready?

GROUCHO
I wrote a speech last night that’ll
knock them off their seats…
(He takes a paper
from inside pocket
as he says above…
then reads from paper)
Four score and seven years ago, our
fathers brought forth on this
continent a new nation –

MRS. TEASDALE
Why, that’s the speech that Lincoln
made at Gettysburg…

GROUCHO
(With a look of great
surprise)
He did?… I told my son not to leave
it laying around… Where is son?

Bob enters

BOB
Here I am, Father…

GROUCHO
Send for my car…

BOB
(Calling to servant
off scene)
His Excellency’s car!

This is repeated by a servant’s voice off scene…

A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.

He bows low as he hands it to Groucho… Groucho takes hat,
removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his
hat and with a swanky gesture exits… again we hear a
servant’s voice calling: “His Excellency’s car”…

We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion,
outside, standing at attention… their trumpets at their
sides…

From inside comes the voice of a servant calling “His
Excellency’s car”…

The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put
the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon
the car…

We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator’s garage. This is a
pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in the
center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On
each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also
two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter
on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and
suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in
background identify the garage.

At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter’s
call. Instantly the two guards move to the center of the
gates and call through the bars -

GUARDS
(In unison)
His Excellency’s car!

Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the
other side of the wall. The two guards open gates moving in
military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo
appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.

The motorcycle is decorated… perhaps a crest in relief on
the side of the car… a thin staff, about four or five
feet high is fastened to the handle bars… As Harpo rides
along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further
along the road he hits a man… he looks behind to see what
damage he’s done, but continues riding… A CUT BACK to the
man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.

We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle…
he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to
half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows
a few bars of taps… he mounts motorcycle again and starts
off…

CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion…
the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing
hands… Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts
his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down
stairs… as fast as they can.

CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho,
carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho gets into
the side-car… and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo:

GROUCHO
To the House of Representatives…
ride like fury… Don’t stop for any
signals and don’t wait for a corner
to make a turn… see if you can
break a record…

Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the
ground… there is a roar of the motor — the motorcycle
starts off but leaves the side-car.

Groucho gets out of side-car… starts back to steps, stops
and says:

GROUCHO
A fine thing — leaving the head of
the nation at the foot of the
stairs…
[Here the script and the final film diverge completely, with the whole of Chico and Harpo's scene not appearing, nor Groucho's scene in the House of Deputies.]

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Marx Brothers - Duck Soup script, part one

January 22, 2009, admin

I am going to post up the whole of the 1933 classic Duck Soup, as well as the original script, by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones. It’s interesting to see which lines didn’t survive to the final film cut and which ones got changed.

Some have argued that their anarchic, rebellious humor was a direct response to the depression and I can see the logic in that view.

Anyway, here’s strong part one of the script

The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the
executive mansion. It is a gala day. Soldiers are lined up
in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are
arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the
adjoining countries. Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs
announce the arrival of each notable.

In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late
president, is greeting the newcomers. The room is filled
with distinguished guests. At the moment we see Mrs.
Teasdale, she is talking with a notable. In the near
background is a group of distinguished men, members of her
own cabinet. Her words to the notable are not lost on them,
and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the
exchange of disapproving glances.

MRS. TEASDALE
It is so good of you to come.

NOTABLE
An honor, Mrs. Teasdale… You must
indeed have great faith in your new
dictator to give him such a
magnificent reception.

MRS. TEASDALE
I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the
only logical successor to my dear
departed husband. He has the
statesmanship of Gladstone, the
humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom
of Pericles.

The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene.
As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale.
Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale.

FIRST CABINET MEMBER
(Protestingly)
Mrs. Teasdale, as members of
Freedonia’s cabinet, we do not approve
of your choice. Who is this Rufus
T. Firefly?

SECOND CABINET MEMBER
(Waving aloft a paper)
A stranger in our midst, an agent
for the Eureka Ammunition Company.
Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition
salesman dictating the policies of
our peace-loving country.

THIRD CABINET MEMBER
Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it
is too late. The citizens of
Freedonia want a President!

MRS. TEASDALE
As the widow of your last president,
I have the right to choose — and,
Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the
matter any further.

Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble
among themselves.

From off scene comes a servant’s voice, announcing:

SERVANT
His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi
Trentino of Amnesia!

Cut… to the archway. We see Trentino enter with a beautiful
brunette at his side. He is followed by two or three of his
fellowmen. He moves across the reception hall to Mrs.

Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the
back of her hand, then introduces his companion.

TRENTINO
Mrs. Teasdale… my niece, Vera.

Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl’s hand warmly.

MRS. TEASDALE
(To niece)
Your uncle has been such a friend to
us in every crisis. Without his
country’s financial aid –

TRENTINO
(Lightly)
What is money?
(Tenderly)
Mrs. Teasdale, for you — I would do
anything.

MRS. TEASDALE
(Flustered)
Ambassador!
(Attempting to change
the subject)

I am so anxious for you to meet our
new dictator.

TRENTINO
(Persistent in his
flattery)

Mrs. Teasdale — no matter who rules
Freedonia, to me you will always be
the first lady of the land.

Trentino attempts to take her hand. The latter is a bit
confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says:

VERA
Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle’s hopeless —
you’ve been the only topic of
conversation ever since we left
Amnesia.

Mrs. Teasdale’s confusion is happily interrupted by the
announcement of a servant, off scene.

SERVANT
The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of
Mufhtan!

MRS. TEASDALE
(Hastily)
Oh, I must greet His Honor.

Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly. Vera and Trentino
look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet.

VERA
So that’s the one you want to marry.

TRENTINO
With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and
Freedonia under my control –
(He rubs his hands
significantly)

VERA
Maybe it’s not going to be so easy.
From what I’ve heard, Mrs. Teasdale
is rather sweet on this Rufus T.
Firefly.

TRENTINO
That’s where you come in. I’ll leave
him in your hands, and don’t forget
you’re supposed to be my niece.

Vera winks agreeingly.

Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO).

She introduces him.

MRS. TEASDALE
I want you to meet the son of His
Excellency — Bob Firefly…

Ambassador Trentino… his niece, Vera, After the formalities
of introducing, Trentino says:

TRENTINO
Isn’t it about time for the ceremony
to begin, Mrs. Teasdale?
(Mockingly)
I do hope His Excellency won’t be
late.

BOB
(Defensively)
My father makes it a point to always
be on time. As long as I’ve known
him, he’s never been late for an
appointment.

TRENTINO
But it’s two minutes of ten now.

BOB
(As music begins)
His Excellency is due To take his
station. Beginning his new
Administration… He’ll make his
appearance when The clock on the
wall strikes ten.

MRS. TEASDALE
(singing)
When the clock on the wall strikes
ten All you loyal ladies and you
patriotic men Let’s sing the national
anthem when… The clock on the
wall strikes ten.

The clock begins to strike the hour… one… two…
three… four…

ALL
(singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia… Mightiest
of mighty nations! Hail, hail,
Freedonia Land of the brave and free.

This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with
outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects
the reception hall with the outer hall.

Groucho doesn’t appear and once more they all sing.

ALL
(singing)
Hail, hail, Freedonia… Land of the
brave and free.

Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more.

ALL
Hail, hail, Freedonia… Land of the
brave and free.

Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob.
Vera and Trentino smile.

MRS. TEASDALE
(Nervously)
I hope nothing has happened.

BOB
Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is
nothing to worry about. Father is
probably taking extra care in getting
into his robes of state. I’ll call
him.

Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried
bell cord. This rings a fire bell in Groucho’s room — and
Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a
mosquito netting. He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth.
The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his
slumber and he rises quickly. The cigar begins to emit smoke
when he starts puffing. He hurries over to one corner of
the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion,
gets into them, and then sides down a fireman’s pole into
the reception hall.

The guests are singing the last two lines of the national
anthem when he arrives.

ALL
Hail, hail, Freedonia… Land of the
brave and free.

Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs.
Teasdale. He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing
an impressive looking medal. Groucho deprives him of it
without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself.
He pauses only when he is facing the principal group.

MRS. TEASDALE
(Beaming as she
addresses Groucho)
As chairwoman of the reception
committee, I welcome you and extend
the good wishes of every man, woman
and child of Freedonia. I deem it
an honor on this momentous occasion…

GROUCHO
(Interrupting)
Never mind that stuff…

He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to
Mrs. Teasdale.

GROUCHO
Take a card.

The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies.

Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket.

MRS. TEASDALE
What’ll I do with this card?

GROUCHO
You can keep it — I’ve got a whole
pack… Now what were you saying?

MRS. TEASDALE
As chairwoman of the reception
committee, I welcome you with open
arms.

GROUCHO
How late do you stay open?

MRS. TEASDALE
In choosing you, I feel that I serve
my country well. I heartily endorse
everything you stand for.

GROUCHO
Well, I won’t stand for much. And I
won’t stand for you if you don’t
show some improvement soon. Look at
your report card last month — “D”
in spelling… six in behavior.
Now who were the six? A fine state
of affairs — no wonder you can’t
matriculate, now what were you saying?

MRS. TEASDALE
The future of Freedonia rests upon
you. Promise me you will follow in
my husband’s footsteps.

GROUCHO
(To CAMERA)
I haven’t been on the job five minutes
and already she’s making advances to
me.
(To Mrs. Teasdale)
Not that I care — but where is your
husband?

MRS. TEASDALE
(Slightly embarrassed)
Why - er — my husband passed away…
(reverently)
I was with him to the very end.

GROUCHO
No wonder he passed away. I’d like
to be with you to the very end.
Can’t you see what I’m trying to
tell you — I love you.

MRS. TEASDALE
(Very warmly)
Your Excellency!

GROUCHO
You’re not so bad yourself, Mrs.
Teasdale, when I look at you I can
see that we’re facing a crisis.
We’ve got to balance the budget —
we’ve got to cut down everything
including, you.

Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.

MRS. TEASDALE
Oh… Your Excellency… I would
like to present to you… Ambassador
Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia… Having
him with us today is indeed a great
honor.

TRENTINO
(To Mrs. Teasdale,
smiling appreciatively)
Thanks… but I can’t stay very long.

GROUCHO
That’s even a greater honor.

TRENTINO
I bring you the greetings of my
President and the good will of my
people.

GROUCHO
I’ll keep the greetings — but you
can send back the good will… what
we need right now is twenty million
dollars.

TRENTINO
Twenty million dollars is a
considerable sum… I’ll have to
discuss that with my Minister of
Finance.

GROUCHO
Well, in the meantime, could you let
me have $50 personally?

TRENTINO
(Surprised)
$50?

GROUCHO
I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll
give you Mrs. Teasdale as security.
(Throwing a glance at
Mrs. Teasdale)
or my jackknife. If you want my
advice, you’ll take the jackknife…
I’ve a better proposition… Make
it $25 and I’ll give you a first
mortgage on my son and I hope you
foreclose.

TRENTINO
(With a puzzled look
at Groucho)
Your Excellency, haven’t we met
before?

GROUCHO
(Looking at Trentino)
Why yes. I met you at the dog races —
say, you could have won that race if
you tried a little harder.

Vera Trentino enters scene.

TRENTINO
Excellency, may I present my niece.

GROUCHO
Go ahead.

TRENTINO
You don’t understand. This is my
niece Vera.

GROUCHO
(Throwing her a glance)
And Vera niece, too.

VERA
Your Excellency, please don’t think
me silly, but I’d love to have a
picture of you. I want to hang it
in my bedroom.

GROUCHO
You couldn’t hang me in your bedroom —
I’ll make a note of it. Where’s my
secretary?
(Looking around)

Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.

BOB
Here I am, Father.

GROUCHO
(To Bob)
Take a letter.

BOB
(Taking out a
stenographer’s pad
and pencil)
Who to?

GROUCHO
The President of the United States.

Bob writes as Groucho dictates

GROUCHO
My dear President… read it back…

BOB
(Reading from pad)
“My dear President”…

GROUCHO
That doesn’t sound right… take
out “President”… now read it.

BOB
(Reading)
“My dear”…

GROUCHO
That’s not right yet… put back
“President” and take out “dear”…
How does it read now?

BOB
(Reading)
“My President”…

GROUCHO
There’s still something wrong with
it… take out “President” …now
what’ve you got?

BOB
(Reading)
“My”…

GROUCHO
Now we’re on the right track… Put
back “dear”… How does it read?

BOB
(Reading)
“My dear”…

GROUCHO
You can’t say that to the President…
Put back “President”… Now let’s
hear how sounds.

BOB
(Reading)
“My dear President”…

GROUCHO
That’s what I wanted in the first
place. Tear it up and send it
airmail.

BOB
Is that all?

GROUCHO
Take another letter… to my tailor.

Bob takes dictation again.

GROUCHO
Dear Sir… enclosed find check for
$100. Yours very truly… Send
that immediately.

BOB
I’ll have to enclose the check first.

GROUCHO
You do and I’ll fire you.

Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his
remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale
enters to Groucho.

Look out for Part Two soon

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Derek and Clive “Get out the cab!” transcript

January 1, 2009, admin

Here is the amazingly painstaking transcript to the classic “Back of the cab” sketch from Derek and Clive fan Phespirit. The audio can be heard here.

Needless to say, it’s full of swearing. All together, one more time, “Get out the cab!”

CLIVE:
How you doing 4105?
DEREK:
(belches) What? (belches again)
CLIVE:
I said, “How you doing 1045?”
DEREK:
Oh, not so bad 305-stroke-Z.
CLIVE:
No, ’cause I had, er ….. I’ve had a fucking terrible day.
DEREK:
Yeah?
CLIVE:
I had, er, you know that, er, that, er, what’s he called? - that philosopher?
DEREK:
Philosopher?
CLIVE:
Er, philosopher, yeah.
DEREK:
Errr …..
CLIVE:
The one who knows words and everything like that.
DEREK:
What, er, Des O’Connor?
CLIVE:
No, not Des. No, Des …..
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
Des is clever but he’s, he’s not quite as reputed to be as clever as this, erm …..
DEREK:
Other bloke.
CLIVE:
RUSSELL! Russell!
DEREK:
Oh, Jane Russell!
CLIVE:
No, Bertrand - Bertrand Russell.
DEREK:
Bertrand Ru-, Oh, BERTRAND RUSSELL!!
CLIVE:
I had fucking Bertrand Russell in the back of my cab.
DEREK:
Yeah, mmm, yeah …..
CLIVE:
I looked round, you know, I recognised him and I said, “Hallo Bertie.”
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, you know, he, he was a bit surprised ’cause, you know, he’s not used to …..
DEREK:
Pissed out of his head, wasn’t he? Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
Yeah, pissed out of his fucking head.
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
Fucking dwarf …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Wide-headed cunt …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So I said, “‘ere, Bertie, you’ve written the history of the fucking Western World, …..
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
….. what’s the fucking answer?”
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He looked round, didn’t fucking know.
DEREK:
Probably farted, didn’t he?
CLIVE:
He farted …..
DEREK:
Knowing him, mate, you know.
CLIVE:
He farted twice, he clouded up the windscreen.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, er, I said, “Look, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right, right.
CLIVE:
….. get out-, GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
“GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
Right, right.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I always use those words when I’ve got some cunt and …..
DEREK:
And you want to get him out the cab.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, “GET OUT THE CAB!”
DEREK:
“GET OUT THE CAB!”
CLIVE:
He said, he said, “What is the meaning of getting out the cab?” I said, “There’s no fucking meaning, it just means ‘get out the cab’.” And he went into some philosophical argument …..
DEREK:
Oh, fuck.
CLIVE:
….. about whether getting out the cab was getting the same as in the cab …..
DEREK:
In this …..
CLIVE:
All that crap, I thought, “fuck it.”
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking dualistic world crap.
CLIVE:
And, er, you know ….. know what I got for a tip?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
DEREK:
I suppose that was his philosophical joke.
CLIVE:
Yeah, heh-heh, you get a philosopher in the cab you get nothing, the same with, with Picasso.
DEREK:
Yeah? You had Picasso in your cab?
CLIVE:
Picasso. You know, I-, I knew him at once ’cause he was …..
DEREK:
(belches)
CLIVE:
….. enigmatic.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I said, yeah, you know, just as a friendly joke, I said, er, …..
DEREK:
What, did he have a paintbrush out of his arsehole?
CLIVE:
He had, er, he had a fucking oil painting coming out of his arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, er, neolithic style, erm, abstract on his, erm, …..
DEREK:
On his knob.
CLIVE:
….. on his knob.
DEREK:
Yeah, I know …..
CLIVE:
So I said …..
DEREK:
….. he paints his knob.
CLIVE:
He paints his knob different colours then photographs it and sells it to other people.
DEREK:
Yeah, dirty fucking cunt!
CLIVE:
The fucker. So I said, “You know what I call you, Mister Picasso?”
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, “I call you ‘Mister Pick-Arsehole’ …..
DEREK:
Right! Fucking hell.
CLIVE:
….. ’cause as far as I’m concerned you take shit out of other people’s arseholes, shove it on the canvass and sell it to other cunts.”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
And, er, he was non-plussed.
DEREK:
Yeah, well I had the same experience. I, er, opened the cab door for somebody who hailed me on the corner …..
CLIVE:
Who was that? “Hailed” you?
DEREK:
Richard Wagner.
CLIVE:
Richard Wagner?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
But he’s been dead two hundred years.
DEREK:
That’s what I thought but, no, he was large as fucking life in the King’s Road. So I said …..
CLIVE:
You’re not confusing him with Richard Wagner? (pronouncing “W” sound)
DEREK:
Er ….. Robert Wagner?
CLIVE:
Robert Wagner.
DEREK:
Errr …..
CLIVE:
No, ’cause he’s been alive for …..
DEREK:
No, ’cause he was humming …..
CLIVE:
….. he’s, he’s been alive for years, hasn’t he?
DEREK:
No, h-, he’s been alive for years, you’d know the difference.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
No, Richie, Richie came into my cab humming, you know, snatches of, er, Tristan And Isolde. I thought, “fucking hell” …..
CLIVE:
Ye-, ah, fucking hell.
DEREK:
I thought he was dead, I thought, you know. Anyway, he sat in the cab, whistling away, all, you know …..
CLIVE:
(whistles tunelessly)
DEREK:
I said, “Hello! A-huh, I recognise that leitmotif!”
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Yeah, and he recognised, er, you know, er, er, another soul on his, er, wavelength, and he said, er, “Fuck off, cunt!” I said, I said, “Hold up ….. ”
CLIVE:
What, w-, in German? Or English?
DEREK:
No, in English. I said, I said, “You speak very good English for a cunt.” Anyway, I pulled over, I said, “Wha-”, I looked round, I said, “What was that all about?” I said, “You can fucking get out the cab, as far as I’m concerned,” I said, “get out the fucking cab.” I said, “You may be Richard Wagner, but,” I s- ……
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
“You can’t come in my fucking cab …..
CLIVE:
BUT!
DEREK:
….. and tell me to fuck off!”
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
So I got, I said, “You just fuck off out the cab.” I never saw him again - he didn’t give me nothing.
CLIVE:
He gave you n-, no tip whatsoever?
DEREK:
Nothing! No tip, no fare.
CLIVE:
NO TIP, NO TIP WHATSOEVER? Like all celebrities I’ve had in my cab, Lord, er, Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
Lord Bradwell.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I didn’t know he was poofter.
DEREK:
No? Oh yeahhhh, oh …..
CLIVE:
I had no reason to suspect.
DEREK:
I could have told you that.
CLIVE:
Well I didn’t know that.
DEREK:
Oh yeah.
CLIVE:
He just came in his, his fine fishnet stockings with this, erm, young, erm, ‘chicken’ with him.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, what they call in the trade, a ‘chicken’ is …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. a young bloke with a huge knob …..
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah ….. (laughs)
CLIVE:
….. wearing nothing at all. And, er, he come in with this chicken, he said, er, he said, er …..
DEREK:
(as a chicken:) Fucky-fucky.
CLIVE:
….. he said, he said, “I’d like to go to my flat, please.” I said, “All right, O.K.”
DEREK:
“Where the fuck’s that,” I bet you said, did you?
CLIVE:
I said, “Where the fuck is that?”
DEREK:
Yeah, cunt.
CLIVE:
He said, “Kensington.”
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I said, “O.K., O.K., …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. Kensington, right, yeah, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
….. all right, nude boy, nude boy, …..
DEREK:
Kensington Frensington.
CLIVE:
….. Kensington Frensington, nude boy in there with you”
DEREK:
Nude chicken.
CLIVE:
This fucking Lord Driberg, or Lord Bradwell I think he’s called.
DEREK:
I don’t care what he’s called, mate, I don’t give a shit.
CLIVE:
No, I don’t, I didn’t care either.
DEREK:
No, frankly, I don’t give a shit.
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock …..
DEREK:
He could be called …..
CLIVE:
He pulled out his cock and he pulled out this young, erm …..
DEREK:
And said, “What a good boy am I.”
CLIVE:
No, no, no, he didn’t.
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
I wish he had, I wish he had.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
He said, “What a bad boy am I.”
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
‘Cause he still felt guilty.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And he pulled out the little bloke’s, er, cock, you know, …..
DEREK:
Knob.
CLIVE:
Knob, yeah.
DEREK:
His little knob, yeah.
CLIVE:
And all began wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking, wanking all over the fucking …..
DEREK:
Cab.
CLIVE:
….. Bac-k of the cab.
DEREK:
The “bac-K”?
CLIVE:
All over the fucking windows, everywhere was glazed up, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. I had no view from the rear mirror, I didn’t know where the fuck I was, …..
DEREK:
What, with s-
CLIVE:
I said, “Stop wanking otherwise - …..
DEREK:
What, with spunk-?
CLIVE:
….. I’M GONNA CRASH!!” And - voomp! - I did.
DEREK:
Yeah, what, with spunk all over the, all over the, er, over your glasses probably.
CLIVE:
I had spunk …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. everywhere in the cab.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, I thought, you know, if this is the peerage …..
DEREK:
Right, fuck ‘em.
CLIVE:
….. what’s the House of Commons like?
DEREK:
Yeah, fuck ‘em, eh? Humpf.

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Script to Derek and Clive’s sketch “Sir!”

January 1, 2009, admin

How did they get away with it? Derek and Clive’s hilarious and disturbing tale from the English public school system. Thanks to Phespirit for the transcript from the CD version.
Watch the video here

CLIVE:
(In child’s voice:) I’ll tell you what happened …..
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
….. the other day.
DEREK:
(In child’s voice:) What?
CLIVE:
I was-, I was out in the playing fields and I-, I-, I was just-, I wasn’t doing anything at all and then I-, I looked behind a bush and I saw Wiggins and he was-, he was being awfully naughty, because …..
DEREK:
Wha-, wha-, what was he doing?
CLIVE:
He’d-, he-, he’d taken out his willy …..
DEREK:
No!
CLIVE:
….. and he was-, he was looking at it and then he was, sort of, moving it about, and I said, “You’re jolly naughty, Wiggins, …..
DEREK:
Y-, wha-
CLIVE:
….. and if Sir catches you he’ll get jolly batey!”
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
And he-, he said, “I don’t care.” And I said, “You will care if Sir catches you.” And then Sir came up and he-, he caught me looking at Wiggins.
DEREK:
Ooh!
CLIVE:
And he said, “Don’t you look at Wiggins doing that,” …..
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
….. he said. He said, “You’re coming to my study.” And thought: ‘Oh, gosh! How abs-’, I thought: ‘Oh! I’m done for!’ I thought: ‘Crumbs! If I go to Sir’s co-, study he’ll get jolly batey and probably do all sorts of things’. And then I we-, h-, Sir took me to his study and when he got in there he said, “I’m jolly cross with you …..
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
….. looking at-, at Wiggins playing with his willy …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and I’m-, I’m going to have to punish you.”
DEREK:
Ahh!
CLIVE:
And I-, I-, I was so frightened.
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And then-, then-, then Sir said, …..
DEREK:
Ah! If-, oh!
CLIVE:
“But I won’t-, I won’t, just this time I’ll let you off.”
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And-, and then he-, he un-, undid his-, his trousers …..
DEREK:
No, no, no!
CLIVE:
….. and he took out his willy …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and it was all-, it was- …..
DEREK:
Was it a big willy?
CLIVE:
….. it was all big …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and it was very long …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and very hard …..
DEREK:
Oh, yes.
CLIVE:
….. and all big and long.
DEREK:
How did you know it was hard?
CLIVE:
’cause-, ’cause he said, “Now then,” …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. he said, “for being so naughty …..
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
….. I’m going to take you for a dicky-back ride …..
DEREK:
Oh no!
CLIVE:
….. all round the study.” And then he-, he asked me to hop on his willy and he-, he- …..
DEREK:
Oh no! Did you do that?
CLIVE:
Yes, …..
DEREK:
Ohh! Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. I hopped on his willy and it was all hard …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and, er, he ran around the study and he was going, “Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!”, like that, …..
DEREK:
What-, ooh …..
CLIVE:
….. he was going, “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!”
DEREK:
Why was he going like that for?
CLIVE:
I don’t know, …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. Sir never told me why he was going, “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!”
DEREK:
O-, Ohh.
CLIVE:
When-, he ran about for about five minutes all round the room …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and I-, I didn’t know what to do so I just-, I just looked out of the window …..
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
….. and I saw Wiggins again playing with his willy …..
DEREK:
Oh-h!
CLIVE:
….. but I was going so fast I couldn’t really see what was happening. And Sir kept …..
DEREK:
N-no, was everything getting blurred?
CLIVE:
Ye-, it was getting blurred …..
DEREK:
Ooh, yes, y-, I must …..
CLIVE:
….. and Sir was going faster and faster …..
DEREK:
….. I-, I must just play with my- …..
CLIVE:
….. and he was going, “Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! U-”
DEREK:
I must play with my willy!
CLIVE:
….. and then-, then suddenly, …..
DEREK:
I must play with my, hnn-ohh!
CLIVE:
….. then suddenly all this, all this, all this white sticky stuff was all over-, …..
DEREK:
Oh-h-h!
CLIVE:
….. all over my-, all over my legs.
DEREK:
What this?
CLIVE:
And then Sir went, “Urrghh-h-h-h-h”
DEREK:
Oh - dear!
CLIVE:
And then-, then he-, then he stopped and I-, …..
DEREK:
Di-, he-
CLIVE:
….. I said, “Oh, I-, I-,” I said, “Oh,” …..
DEREK:
Uhh.
CLIVE:
….. and he said, “Oh, look,” he said, “erm, all the Brasso has come out and got onto your, onto your botty,” he said, “and I’m going to have to take some-, take a-, take a cloth and wipe your botty clean because it’s got all this white Brasso on it.”
DEREK:
Di-, di-, di- …..
CLIVE:
And then Sir took this handkerchief out, ’cause he didn’t have a cloth, and wiped my botty all the time, he was wiping and wiping and wiping it.
DEREK:
He was probably trying to shine it.
CLIVE:
Yes, he was …..
DEREK:
Di-, b-, bu- …..
CLIVE:
….. trying to get my botty very shiny, that’s what he said afterwards.
DEREK:
Did it look like this?
CLIVE:
No, it didn’t look quite as shiny as that, but at the end after about ten minutes …..
DEREK:
No, but the sticky stuff.
CLIVE:
The sticky stuff looked just like that, yes, he said it was Brasso. And he shined my botty away and then he said, “Don’t ever do that again.”
DEREK:
Ohh!
CLIVE:
And I was-, I felt: ‘Golly, that was a-, a narrow squeak ’cause Sir could have done something really nasty, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yes.
CLIVE:
….. like, punish me’.

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Script to Derek and Clive’s Guinness Book of Records

January 1, 2009, admin

Here’s the transcript from the CD version of this sketch in all its filthy glory. http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_05.htm has pretty much all of these - a marvellous resource for the Derek and Clive devotee. View the video here.

I’m afraid that if you are offended by bad language, this warning has been too late, as you can see it just by glancing down a bit. There, see it? Sorry.

CLIVE:
You know that, er, fucking Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
I’ve always wanted to be in there becau- …..
DEREK:
Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE:
….. ’cause they’ve got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and …..
DEREK:
Shortest.
CLIVE:
….. highest and everything ‘n’ that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And I suddenly thought: ‘Well, no, fuck it, I won’t sneeze, I’ll reserve it’. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an’ that. And when I’d got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually ’cause I had so much of it, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
….. gradually building up.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I thought: ‘I’ll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records’ record for the longest trail of snot in the world’.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I …..
DEREK:
Is that all?
CLIVE:
….. I was watching, erm, ‘3-2-1′ with Ted Rogers.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it …..
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
….. and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: ‘What am I doing?’ And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so …..
DEREK:
You were fucking breaking the world record, mate, that’s what you were doing.
CLIVE:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb …..
DEREK:
Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE:
….. to my nose. And I thought: ‘Oh fuck, I’ve gone and fucked it’, ’cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: ‘It’s all gone hard and I won’t be able string it out at all’. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. which had got clotted and hard. And …..
DEREK:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit …..
CLIVE:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK:
….. bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after fucking no time.
CLIVE:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE:
….. I was getting a good length going …..
DEREK:
Ohh, fucking lovely, mate, I wish I …..
CLIVE:
….. and I thought I’d, erm, …..
DEREK:
Tch, phhwww …..
CLIVE:
….. I’d try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, …..
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
….. we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK:
That’s about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE:
Ten yards away.
DEREK:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, …..
DEREK:
Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
….. like, er, like fucking spaghetti, you know.
DEREK:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE:
Y-, they looped.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And my fear was they’d touch the floor …..
DEREK:
S-
CLIVE:
….. pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, …..
CLIVE:
Yeah, you can’t afford …..
DEREK:
….. inexoribly.
CLIVE:
….. to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK:
Well, no, fucking right, yeah.
CLIVE:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ……
DEREK:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, …..
CLIVE:
….. on the light socket.
DEREK:
….. t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, ‘ll …..
CLIVE:
….. is very much like a bogey.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. hanging it out, …..
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
….. er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK:
Yeah, so of just very easily …..
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Well, you …..
CLIVE:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked ’cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly …..
DEREK:
Oh-h, blimey, you were …..
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, get in here …..
DEREK:
….. crafty!
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot”, and, er, she said, “Oh, no, I can’t, I’m busy, you know, I’m …..
DEREK:
Fucking stupid cow.
CLIVE:
….. busy.
DEREK:
’cause she didn’t realise …..
CLIVE:
An’ I said-, I said-, I said, “LOOK, I’M GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I’VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!” And because I got over-heated …..
DEREK:
Yeah, …..
CLIVE:
….. the chain bro- …..
DEREK:
….. she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE:
No, no, no, …..
DEREK:
No?
CLIVE:
….. the chain broke.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK!!
CLIVE:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid …..
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
….. all I had was a long line of …..
DEREK:
Oh, don’t tell me, re-
CLIVE:
….. snot on the floor.
DEREK:
Oh, FUCK HER! FUCKING CUNT!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK:
OH, FUCKING SLAG!
CLIVE:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK:
Ohh ….. go on.
CLIVE:
I said, “Dolly, …..
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
….. you’ve tested me in the past,” …..
DEREK:
Oh, fuck her.
CLIVE:
….. I said, “we’ve been married fourteen years …..
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
….. and you’ve tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ……
DEREK:
Phhwww!
CLIVE:
….. between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I’m going to do NOW? I’M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME …..
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
….. AS THE NUMBER ONE CUNT KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!” AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE CUNT FOR HALF A FUCKING HOUR ‘TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, “DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!” And the cunt wouldn’t even get up!
DEREK:
What a CUNT!

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Harold Lloyd - forgotten genius, part one

December 14, 2008, admin

Today, Harold Lloyd is much less well known than his contemporaries, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and Laurel and Hardy. Yet in the 1920s, Lloyd was not only one of the most well known people in the world, but was reputed to be the highest paid film star in Hollywood. He was also extremely prolific, making over 200 films in his career. Lloyd was a true pioneer, arguably the first major comedian who emerged from the film industry itself, rather than from extending an existing vaudeville career. He was also the ultimate exponent of ‘thrill comedy’, in which the protagonist (invariably Lloyd himself) found himself in comedic but dangerous situations.

There are many excellent and detailed articles available online which trace Lloyd’s career and influence. Here, we offer just a few snippets about this unfairly neglected genius.

The ‘Glasses Character’

The Glasses Character

At the start of his career, Lloyd portrayed characters that were virtual clones of Charlie Chaplin’s ‘tramp’ character. The most well-known of these is ‘Lonesome Luke’.

His career really took off with the invention, in 1917, of ‘the glasses character’, a boy next door with a winning smile and an endless resourcefulness. The glasses character was an everyman rather than a caricature, allowing Lloyd to explore the humour within mundane, everyday situations. His optimism and go-getting nature fitted perfectly with the American twenties zeitgeist and the audience was able to connect with the glasses character in a very direct way. Above all, the glasses character introduced relatively plausible romance to the screen and with him, Lloyd almost single-handedly invented the genre of ‘romantic comedy’.

Injury and recovery

In August of 1919, Lloyd was posing with a stage bomb for a photograph. The pose involved him lighting the fuse with a cigarette. Tragically, there was a mix-up with the props and Lloyd was given a special-effects bomb that exploded in his hand. The thumb and forefinger of his right hand were blown off; however, the greater worry was for his sight. Doctors thought it likely that he would never see again.

In time, however, Lloyd’s sight returned and a prosthetic glove designed to disguise the injury. Given that nearly all of Lloyd’s work called for athletic feats and that he was renowned for carrying out the majority of his own stunts, it is remarkable that Lloyd found ways to work around his disability.

Harold Lloyd’s financial success

Lloyd’s film career brought him immense wealth. At one time, he was one of the ten highest paid entertainers in the world, or, according to some sources, the highest paid film performer in the world.  Greenacres, the Lloyd’s estate (built 1926-9) became a byword for opulence. It has 44 rooms, 26 bathrooms, 12 fountains, 12 gardens and a 9 hole golf course. It is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and featured in the 1973 film Westworld.

Few people would suspect that Lloyd’s 1920s films made more money than Charlie Chaplin’s. Lloyd’s films grossed $15.7 million to Chaplin’s $10.5 million. Although Chaplin’s films made more money individually, Lloyd made twelve feature films compared to Chaplin’s three.

Decline of career

Throughout the 1920s, Lloyd consistently earned around $1.5 million per film. But the arrival of sound proved problematic and ultimately an insurmountable barrier. The writers, and Lloyd, found it difficult to adjust to producing comedy in which dialogue played a key role.

At first, the transition looked to be working well, with Lloyd’s first ‘talkie’, Welcome Danger, grossing around $3 million. But by 1934, The Cat’s Paw made a loss, which was repeated in The Milky Way (1936). In 1938, Lloyd lost $119,000 of his own money on Professor Beware. By the age of 45, his movie career was effectively over.

Hobbies and interest

When it came to hobbies, Harold Lloyd was something of a serial obsessionist. He was rich, energetic and after the decline of his career, at something of a loose end. His interests were diverse and included microscopy, travel,  chess, breeding Great Danes, bowling, stereo systems and photography.

Of all of these, probably his deepest and longest-standing interest was photography. Lloyd conducted early experiments in colour film: in 1929,some of the earliest Technicolor tests were shot at Greenacres. After his career was over, he returned to this interest, and particularly in 3D colour photography. He photographed many celebrities, including Marilyn Monroe in a bathing suit at his pool, this latter published after their deaths. His collection of 3D stills was estimated at 250,000, most of which were nude, glamour shots. In 2004, his granddaughter Suzanne produced a book of selections from his photographs, subtly titled Harold Lloyd’s Hollywood Nudes in 3D!

In his later years, Lloyd became obsessed with state-of-the-art stereo systems, which he would play at building-shaking volumes. He ordered the entire annual catalogues of several record companies and his collection exceeded that of many record stores.

Not that all of his interests were so cerebral or aesthetic: as a younger man, he indulged a reputedly formidable libido and, according to Hal Roach, left several illegitimate children.

Further Reading

In part two, we will look at Harold’s domestic life, his creative control over his output and the highpoints of his film career.

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